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About Your Pets
Let's talk: Those furry friends (or foes)
By Margo Oxendine
Welcome to "About Your Pets," where you're welcome to submit questions - humorous or serious - about those furred loved ones who bring joy and puzzlement to your lives.
Notice I've used "who," rather than "that" when referring to your pets. This is the first thing many of us know: a pet is not a thing, an object to be referred to as "that." Your cat or dog or ferret or parrot lives, breathes, and has a personality, with many of the attendant quirks one might find in a human.
This column is meant to be informative, as well as fun. For those serious questions, Bath veterinarian Dr. Ellen Miller has graciously agreed to be our consultant. If there's something serious Dr. Ellen can't answer, we'll find a veterinarian with expertise in that field. Be advised, though: Questions about African momba snakes may take awhile; you could be dead before we find the answer.
I, in the persona of "Auntie Margo," will answer the "fun" queries in my own style. I've got lots of experience with pets - my own, as well as those of others. I spent 10 years pet-sitting around here. I like to think I've seen it all, or at least a lot of it.
To get you started, here are some sample questions. Each refers to an actual experience, and an actual pet, although the names may have been changed.
Q: Dear Auntie Margo: Will you keep our dogs while we're on vacation? We're concerned they will miss us terribly.
A: Wise up! Your dogs will love me as much as they do you, as soon as I waltz in and give them biscuits.
Q: Dear Auntie Margo: Will you keep my cat while I'm away? She is very cuddly and loveable. I want to make sure she isn't lonely while I'm gone. Her name is (insert one: Stinker Butt. Crappy Kitty. Mole Breath.)
A: I don't know why people insist on giving cats such awful names. The first thing I will do is give your cat a respectable, even cute, name. The cat won't appreciate it, but I will feel much better.
The short answer is, yes, I will keep your cat. The truth is, the cat will not care. Your cat may be cuddly and loveable while you're at home, but as soon as Auntie Margo arrives, it will turn recalcitrant and snarly. During the 30 seconds per day when I actually
see your elusive darling, it will hiss, claw, and bite. I must often seek medical care while I am keeping cats. Cats have injured me more often than rattlesnakes.
(We'll save our adventures with rattlesnakes for another column.)
Q: Dear Auntie Margo: Our pets do not like "people food." Can we count on you to uphold our "pet-food only" policy?
A: Probably not. Your pets have proven to have sneaky habits, such as snarfing an entire tray of fresh-baked cookies as soon as my back is turned. Your dog slurped down a steaming cup of cappuccino while I was making your bed. Your cat stole and devoured a piece of fried chicken while I was answering your phone.
Q: Dear Auntie Margo: Is there anything a pet will not eat?
A: Not to my knowledge. A cat I know enjoys eating beets. A dog I know likes spinach souffle, although the aftereffects are rather unpleasant.
Q: Dear Auntie Margo: Will you care for my turtle while I'm away? He's no trouble at all.
A: I would really rather not. I am still smarting from that time last summer when I murdered Bob the Goldfish. I love dogs, and I will tolerate your cat, but please refrain from subjecting unusual pets to Auntie Margo's care. I am currently "caring for" a turtle named Cleo. It's difficult to tell, but I think she may be dead.
So there you have it. Submit your questions to me at margox@tds.net, tagged "About Your Pets." Or, drop them off at the Recorder's Bath or Monterey office. Please feel free to submit a photograph of your pet. We'll run it with your query, if there's space, and it reproduces well. The helpful staff at either office will scan your precious photo, and give it back to you that day. One word of advice, though: Do not attempt to do this on a Wednesday or Thursday.
It's simple. It's fun. It's helpful. It's "About Your Pets."
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