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When your own home isn't safe
Area shelter helps victims of violence get back on their feet
BY CHARLES GARRATT • STAFF WRITER
 | | Safehome director Ammie Moore (left) relies on the supportive and proactive board of directors to help raise money and provide direction and support. Board chair Curtis Sears (center) and board member Sarah Hagen McWilliams of Bath County gather in the recently renovated kitchen prior to the board meeting on Monday. |
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WARM SPRINGS - Where do you go when you fear physical abuse or sexual assault at home? For 20 years the answer for residents of Alleghany, Bath and Highland counties has been Safehome in Covington.
Operated by Safehome Systems, Inc., the facility in Covington has provided a secure and supportive shelter for women and children trying to escape abusive relationships and begin new lives since 1987.
The mission of Safehome goes beyond providing shelter. "Dedicated to making every home a safe home," the directors, staff and volunteers of Safehome are committed to reducing domestic, dating and sexual violence in the Allegheny Highlands.
According to the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Alliance, one in four women and one in seven men will have suffered sexual abuse or domestic violence. Every five days, a Virginian is killed by an intimate partner.
 | | Assistant director and counselor Amanda Frame displays the welcoming smile that is the hallmark of all the staff at Safehome in Covington. Safehome provides more than just a safe place to stay. Frame and other staff members provide counseling, education, victim advocacy and court advocates among other services. (Recorder photos by Charles Garratt) |
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Safehome defines domestic violence as "a pattern of assault and coercive behavior that adults and/or adolescents use against one another. The violence usually escalates in frequency and severity until either the victim has enough and removes themselves from the situation or they are killed."
Domestic violence crosses all ethnic, racial and social/
economic boundaries and impacts all ages, says Safehome executive director Ammie Moore. On Monday, the shelter housed people from three months old to 58 years old.
The classic image of a woman showing up with "a broken arm, a black eye and four children in tow," happens too often, said Moore, but many victims Safehome serves are normal looking people struggling to find a way out of a situation they may not understand and can no longer tolerate.
 | | In addition to room for 18 children and adults, Safehome in Covington strives to create a home like environment with a spacious common "living room," including TV and video and a computer with Internet access. |
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The program at Safehome began, like many of those in this country, by providing shelter and intervention services. In Covington, the Safehome shelter is not secret or anonymous, said Moore. But it is secure, she stressed.
Providing a safe and secure environment for up to 30 days for victims who choose to leave their abuser is a first step toward freeing victims from the cycle of abuse. Safehome provides a variety of services from counseling to court advocacy to help victims move on to new lives. Counseling and other services are also available to those not staying in the shelter.
Since Moore became director four years ago, Safehome has expanded its education and outreach programs. The goal is to "put a wedge in the cycle" of violence, said Safehome board president Curtis Sears.
 | | The staff at Safehome uses fun activities to help teach and counsel the young people staying with their mothers at Safehome. These "t-shirts" created by young artists are among the dozens on the walls of offices that help convey the messages of stopping and escaping abuse. |
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Sears says Safehome is trying to "influence the next generation of perpetrators." Increased awareness and understanding are essential to reducing the number of homes that are unsafe because of domestic violence.
"If we don't talk about it, who will?" said Moore. Domestic violence and sexual assault can happen to anyone, she said. The sad truth, often seen by Safehome staff, is that children raised in homes where violence was accepted grow up to be victims and perpetrators as adults.
Operations manager Becky Grimes noted, "One of our current clients was in here as a child and is now back with her child." Where the pattern is generational Grimes said, victims seeking help within the family may be pushed back into the unsafe home.
Bath County resident and Safehome board member Sarah McWilliams worked with victims of domestic violence and abuse for more than a decade in Ohio. She said our culture often accepts physical, verbal, and emotional violence as an acceptable response to anger.
There are a lot of self-esteem issues wrapped up in domestic violence, said McWilliams. "It's easy for people to say, 'I deserve it, it's my fault,'" she said about victims trying to deal with violence. One of the first messages Safehome staff tries to give victims is, "This isn't your fault."
"We all make mistakes. Anger is a normal emotion," McWilliams points out. "If people were able to learn bad behavior, they are able to learn appropriate behavior." No matter what someone does, abuse is not an appropriate response.
Assistant director and counselor Amanda Frame notes domestic violence is not about anger. "It's about power and control." She agreed there is "still a lot of victim blaming," in the violent home, sometimes within the family and, sadly, in society in general.
Frame is helping the Safehome mission expand from intervention to prevention. Safehome provides a support group which meets every week at the shelter. The staff has debated making the meetings mandatory for residents.
She elected to not make the group mandatory. Even for something that can be beneficial, there is a trade off between that benefit and adding more control to lives already dominated by control from violence and abuse.
That doesn't mean there aren't any rules at Safehome. Being at Safehome means dealing with all the natural issues arising with individuals of all ages living under one large roof. "Balancing respect for individual with tough love," is important, said Frame.
Many of the clients arrive without basic life skills most people take for granted. Living at Safehome becomes not just a shelter but the practice of "preparing how to leave a nest," said Frame.
It is group living, said Moore, and the Safehome staff helps them stand on their own feet. "We hook them up with resources; provide counseling and loving support," said Frame. "I think we do a pretty good job."
Two years ago, Safehome added a full-time education and outreach coordinator funded by the Virginia Department of Health. The outreach coordinator, Ethel Adams, works with schools, churches, businesses and other organizations to promote understanding of domestic violence and sexual assault and to give children appropriate tools.
"Hands are not for hitting" and other programs are taken to local schools. The education program has been developed within and to support the state Standards of Learning, she said. Bath County schools have been among those receptive and participating, she added.
For both perpetrator and victim, the circle of abuse seems "normal." In most cases, it is all they know. Sears said education and awareness are how you break the cycle. The goal of the education and outreach program is to create a "whole different mindset" for those raised in abusive and violent homes.
Population-wise, Bath and Highland counties are a small part of the Safehome service area. Grimes points out at any given time, 15-27 percent of Safehome residents are from Bath County.
Sears said the Bath County Board of Supervisors has been a leader in supporting Safehome for a number of years. Historically, "Bath is one of the largest" governmental supporters, he added.
Safehome receives support from local governments and grants from state and federal sources. The current Safehome building was purchased in 1997 with money provided by the Allegheny Foundation.
Even with government, business and foundation support, Safehome still relies heavily on donations, said Moore. Major renovations and redecoration over the past two years happened from donations through the adopt-aroom program, she explained.
October is sexual and domestic violence awareness month. Safehome is participating in a number of programs during October to increase awareness of the problems of sexual and domestic violence, to educate people in the Highlands to services available and to celebrate 20 years providing services to the Highlands.
Plywood silhouettes painted red and bearing the story of a Virginia woman, child or man who was killed in a domestic violence homicide will be displayed in Clifton Forge, Covington and Bath County during the month.
These "Silent Witnesses" will also be on display at the "Walk a Mile in Their Shoes" event Sunday, Oct. 14 at the Jackson River Sports Complex.
All Safehome services are available to victims, non-abusive friends and families of victims whether they stay in the shelter or not. Safehome also is in need of volunteers. All volunteers receive training and are supervised.
A 24-hour hotline is available at (540) 965-3237 or toll-free at 1-877-393-3672. The Safehome office may be reached at (540) 965-5489 or via e-mail at: Home4peace@aol.com.
How you can help
¦ Model non-violent behavior at home and at work. ¦ Contribute money, new or gently used items (except clothing). Donations are tax deductible. A wish list is available. ¦ Invite a speaker to your next event or meeting. ¦ Make referrals. ¦ Support friends, family members or co-workers who have experienced violence. ¦ Become a volunteer. Safehome services available to victims
For clients, Safehome of Covington offers the following for anyone dealing with issues of domestic violence:
¦ 24-hour hotline - Anonymous hotline for issues of domestic, dating and sexual violence.
¦ Counseling for victims, survivors and their nonabusing families and friends.
¦ Court advocacy support to victims of domestic violence and sexual assault during civil and criminal court proceedings.
¦ Accompaniment services for domestic violence and sexual assault to magistrate, hospital, etc.
¦ Emergency shelter - Provides up to 30 days of shelter in a home-like environment to clients who are not safe in their own environment. Services are also available to children.
¦ Information and referral for housing assistance, children's needs, job searches, continuing education, mental health needs and other topics.
¦ Support group - Meets weekly for domestic violence and sexual assault victims and survivors.
¦ Clothing/household items available on a limited emergency basis.
¦ All client services are free and confidential.
Community Outreach ¦ Resource library - Literature covering topics such as personal safety, domestic violence, sexual assault, sexual harassment, stalking, teen dating violence, victim's rights and elder abuse.
¦ Education program to community organizations, churches and businesses.
¦ Volunteers are needed in all areas of the agency. Basic and/or crisis training is provided.
¦ Parent education classes cover communication skills, budgeting, kids in divorce and separation and conflict resolution.
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